aku kesepiann sekalli/........................

Anger

Do you believe that girls and women in common are vulnerable of sexual harassment done most by people they know?
Oh, of course, it depends on how you define what sexual harassment is. I just, after a quite long time being silent (or silenced?), feel the need to speak out, though through times, what I really want to do is to scream, scream of such things I should’ve spoken out…

But I am really, really worried about what the world will say….been so afraid and anxious about people’s thought, perceptions, and reactions…I just...I know that they don’t give a shit, the can’t understand…they only know the things planted in their damn heads, just like I only know things cradling in my pathetic memories, my sphere of unconsciousness..
It began when I wondered of my particular attitudes, things I had never questioned before…it began when I started questioning why I had been feeling that way…what way?

Why do I always cry in constant manner, sometimes with no reason at all? Why do I dislike my step father very much till the best thing I can do to him is to disclaim his presence in my life? Why do I live in self-denial, forgetting, ignoring the things I have, my ability, my achievement, and regard them as nothing? Why do I feel so low and try to break every single statement trying to say that I am precious for somebody? Why do I always say that love doesn’t work for me that relationship will not work for me? Why am I so afraid of people, why do I often hate them very much? Hate them very much? Why can’t I blame anybody else but myself? Why am I feeling so tired after long time of hard work, feeling high degree of vain?

I began to recall things said to me,

“Why do you love being hurt?”
“Why are you never grateful of what you have?”
“Why are you so inclined to hard work but denying achievements you made?”
“I know you are cracking, things must have happened along the way…”

I am cracking….?
Yes, I feel something cracked inside, but I am sick of the thought that I have to make justifications of my arguments, that I have to try to convince people that what I feel is what I feel, not just some sort of hypochondria symptoms….

I feel angry inside, but to whom?

I was with somebody, a friend of mine who was really angry with me because she thought I had played her….she was mad at me like hell, accusing me for being some sort of flirty without any responsibility…(I somehow always get the predicate, flirty). Then suddenly I felt like exploding…

People, they seldom think in other perceptions but their own….
They are self-interested and full of egos….
They think that are always right…..
I am trying not to be like them, but I am not a saint….
So, Let the blame go on me….

I exploded….

When somebody makes u feel so uncomfortable, by things he or she does, says, implies….related to so called sexual things…can you call it sexual harassment?

But mommy said it was a father’s affection…
I had to trust mommy….

Bullshit!
Nobody thought of my feelings
Nobody heard my silent anger
My unvoiced tears
Burning me even till this very moment

Should I forgive? Bull fuckin shit
They don’t give a damn about what I feel,
They only know everything best for me….sigh

Nobody knows the things I keep in my mind
Let the history be buried under the see
Under the myth of a happy family…

God created me in anonymity.
That’s all I have.
I hope you will never find me.
(I hope you will find me)

Crying Now

it's sad to admit, sad to think that in the end, we are really on our own. we are nothing but lonesome creatures trying to craddle in the pseudo-lovely world, deceived by the presence of love. There is nothing about love but a complex of self-interested egos...right?

mom, dad, i got my first B this semester. It broke my fuckin heart, and it went even worse when my friends laughed at me and questioned my ability, though they might have not meant it. I suspect ur love, mom, dad, do u still love me if i got Bs? do u still love me if i screw my study?
dad, u said u loved me, then why did u leave and never say a word? Didnt u know that it hurt me to see u gone?
u said i was one whom u are proud of, is it still the case if my GPA is not 3,84? wasnt is the first thing that u asked about me when i met u after a quite long time apart? how my GPA was? how good i achieved? how fuckin perfect i was? what if i didnt achieve at all?

if u guys love me, why didnt u ask me about my feelings once u separated? why didnt u apologize? why did u shut the door in front of my nose, leave me stuck in a world of black, in a world of monsters, in a world where i grew untrusting anything?

my GPA, my manner, even my appearance, are currencies to get ur love, right? could u falsify this? can u even look me in the eye and tell me that u are sorry? u arent sorry at all, are u guys?

dad, we have lost so many times, so many chances to be together. Look at me, im grown, but i am damaged
!!!

i am a self-unloving creature, mom, dad, look at me. I lost my ability to trust that i am loved.

dad, ga sayangkah telah kehilangan waktu untuk menemaniku tumbuh? ga sayangkah telah melewatkan saat2 kritis untuk menyaksikanku dewasa? ga sayangkah mlewatkan kesempatan untuk mengulurkan tangan ketika aku sangat sangat sangat membutuhkan seorang ayah?
ga sayangkah, pah? u are all right, arent u?

dad, mom, there is a little girl inside whose anger yearns to be found. There is a broken child inside waiting to be comforted. She can never go out, she is cursed to be forever silent.

Only anger that bursts out without any reason to be acknowledged.

dear love,
i am fuckin damaged. unhealed.
u are worth someone beter.
someone normal.
though u said that u wanted stand by me to find the cure.
why couldnt u take my losing control? losing my self-defence?
are u broken also?
why didnt u tell?
i am desperate love, to try to believe that u care about me.
u may love me, but can u take me as i am?
coz i cant live to ur satisfaction...

so is this God, punishment that i deserve?
thank you, for giving it sooner...

can u God, take me now?
i have gone tired and slow...

can u bury my soul just now?

.........

kenapa ya....
kenapa aku ingin memandangmu dari belakang....
kenapa ya, rasanya ada luapan adrenalin ketika melihatmu, lalu tersenyum padamu...
senang...
senang melihat senyummu yang datang dari hati, lebih manis dibandingkan senyumu yang dulu,
patah...tersembunyi di balik rambutmu yang kau biarkan menutupi mata...
senang, aku senang....
semoga kau pun sesenang aku....

.......

Naif...naif sekali...
bagian kecil dari diriku yang berteriak pelan,
"Tolong mengerti aku"
Naif...
karena kata-kata dan pinta itu seharusnya sudah hilang dari diriku
setelah dibunuh bertahun-tahun yang lalu
Ternyata mereka tidak mati,
hanya dorman,
Tapi untuk apa hidup kalau hanya merasa sakit seperti ini?
Bahkan, tanpa kata hanya sekalipun,
Kata-kata naif itu seharusnya sudah mati!

Funny thing though....

i just had a heart attack,
or i think i did *lol*. Well, just looking around for some poems about mother (i was suddenly taken up missing my mom, so i followed that intuition and planned to give her some clever words to let her know that i love her) when my heart ached. It really did, even until now that i am typing this thing...my left chest, or whatsoever..arkh, i have reasons why im taking this a bit more seriously..I have been there before, these hurts have been going for long..uh, wanna know what came flashing through my mind?
1. im gonna die! (no, actually i didnt think so until the pain grew)
2. i have to call someone, or some people, let them know..its funny how i picked them in order :)
Ii call him first *lol*, its real, for me its funny that i let him know first, not my mum, not my dad, not my friends. but he was out of reach, so i turned away :) btw, he said 'the course isnt over yet' when i called him, so i dropped the call and walked to the nearest doctor :) Then i called my aunt, and she said that i should go home, i thought 'no, no home, its late already', but the pain grew stronger.
3. heart attack?! damn no, i never eat those things dangerous for the heart! i mean, i drink green tea, honey, im making myself used with bitter things, because i know that life is bitter! after the diet and everything, walking everyday, no genes, and heart attack? then i thought...
4. breast cancer? like i said, i drink green tea 5 times a day, they say it will reduce the possibility till 60%, besides, i dont have the genes, unless this jatinangor pollution really means a thing...so, a breast cancer, in 19? arkh..

u know what? i left the computer, walked along the way to the nearest doctor...wishing i had not told him cause then i felt stupid (why did i tell him? did he want to know anyway?). Im gone tired of asking if they really care, asking for their motives, so on. cant call my mum cause she is outta town *ironic smile*
then the doctor checked me up. she said its a matter of glands etc, and she gave me some pain-curing pills. then i got back here in front of my computer *lol*

my questions are
my does my left chest hurt? how is the mechanism?
why did i dare to call him? did i just hope that he would care (stupid)
why am i still alive, and
why am i writing this stupid thing?

*lol*

i dont have better things to do
or maybe dont know anything to say
like norah jones says...I feel as empty as a drum...
no Sanctuary this time, no place to come back

I have forgotten how it felt to be me...

Happy Birthday, u
someone, maybe a human, thrown away to this bloody life
happy birthday, though birthday is not always a happy day
but in regard of u, I wish u a happy one,
and wish u a nice life....