Crying Now

it's sad to admit, sad to think that in the end, we are really on our own. we are nothing but lonesome creatures trying to craddle in the pseudo-lovely world, deceived by the presence of love. There is nothing about love but a complex of self-interested egos...right?

mom, dad, i got my first B this semester. It broke my fuckin heart, and it went even worse when my friends laughed at me and questioned my ability, though they might have not meant it. I suspect ur love, mom, dad, do u still love me if i got Bs? do u still love me if i screw my study?
dad, u said u loved me, then why did u leave and never say a word? Didnt u know that it hurt me to see u gone?
u said i was one whom u are proud of, is it still the case if my GPA is not 3,84? wasnt is the first thing that u asked about me when i met u after a quite long time apart? how my GPA was? how good i achieved? how fuckin perfect i was? what if i didnt achieve at all?

if u guys love me, why didnt u ask me about my feelings once u separated? why didnt u apologize? why did u shut the door in front of my nose, leave me stuck in a world of black, in a world of monsters, in a world where i grew untrusting anything?

my GPA, my manner, even my appearance, are currencies to get ur love, right? could u falsify this? can u even look me in the eye and tell me that u are sorry? u arent sorry at all, are u guys?

dad, we have lost so many times, so many chances to be together. Look at me, im grown, but i am damaged
!!!

i am a self-unloving creature, mom, dad, look at me. I lost my ability to trust that i am loved.

dad, ga sayangkah telah kehilangan waktu untuk menemaniku tumbuh? ga sayangkah telah melewatkan saat2 kritis untuk menyaksikanku dewasa? ga sayangkah mlewatkan kesempatan untuk mengulurkan tangan ketika aku sangat sangat sangat membutuhkan seorang ayah?
ga sayangkah, pah? u are all right, arent u?

dad, mom, there is a little girl inside whose anger yearns to be found. There is a broken child inside waiting to be comforted. She can never go out, she is cursed to be forever silent.

Only anger that bursts out without any reason to be acknowledged.

dear love,
i am fuckin damaged. unhealed.
u are worth someone beter.
someone normal.
though u said that u wanted stand by me to find the cure.
why couldnt u take my losing control? losing my self-defence?
are u broken also?
why didnt u tell?
i am desperate love, to try to believe that u care about me.
u may love me, but can u take me as i am?
coz i cant live to ur satisfaction...

so is this God, punishment that i deserve?
thank you, for giving it sooner...

can u God, take me now?
i have gone tired and slow...

can u bury my soul just now?