I Might Have Hurt U So Bad

You told me that I’ve ruined your life, and ask me to stay away from it, but suddenly you made apology.

Yes, I did, and I am deeply sorry for having accused u with such terrible words, that u have ruined my life, while u didn’t deserve it at all. I did also ask u not to touch my life again (which meant, at that time being, ‘don’t do anything for me again, cause what u mean good could be harmful for someone’s life’, but I didn’t mean to expel u from the life, because it seemed impossible for there were many occasions for us to meet and cooperate).

Then suddenly (quite sudden, I guess, only about an hour, wasn’t it?), I made apology. In my thoughts, of course I had to, because I knew I had been wrong, and when u do somebody wrong, what else should u do but to apologize? Not to be forgiven, but to express your sorry, to confess your guilt and restore the person’s (whom u did wrong) dignity. I knew it was my fault, my ego. I was confused, because the rope I’d been hanging to was taken away from me in a sudden shock, I thought I was treated unfair (by him) and not given even a chance to explain. Yes, I was confused, and it’s more an explanation than an apology or justification.

You said that no one might be angry, but someone was.

Hhh, yes I did, and this is my biggest mistake. Yes, u may say that I deceived u, because I might have used his resistance to claim me to let down barriers between us, so I can get next to u. Yes, sir, I confess my malice and my stupidity, for denying the chance that it might hurt u. I am sorry, I am really sorry about that. I’m not his girlfriend, it’s true, but I shouldn’t have let u think that he didn’t want me the way he actually did (I hope he really did, Sir, Oherwise, I will be so embarrassed).

You always appear against me by giving your nicely smile, but cried while after. You tried to show your sadness, caused by situation which let you down, and look for a lent hand to reach you out from wherever you are. And when it’s given, you released it and convey your hope to regard you nothing but a dream. You’d been a sad creature, but you enjoy it sometimes. There’s no will to change, you loved the recent.

No will to change? (lol), of course there isn’t. What is to be changed, sir, I don’t get it (or persist not to get it). U want me to change? How? Tell me the protocols or the pathway, tell me not the partial plan, but the whole, can u? Of course u cant and I have no will to ask u to give that, because I don’t believe that anyone can, but myself, right? And who am I? Someone quite disintegrated to want to give each myself to those who think that they want me, or love me (lol), or such, only to appease them (for God’s sake, I’m dying to appease them), so I (which is now beyond all’s consciousness) can go for a serene place. It’s impossible, I know, please laugh with me, Sir.

U think I like my being now? I’m sorry if it doesn’t comply with your ego, sir, but I don’t. I sometimes even think that there is no worth of me (huh, right). I cried because somehow I trusted u!!!!! I am sorry if it’s a mistake, I’m sorry if it opened a way for u to think that we could be together, but for me u were a sanctuary, though it’s now proven a mistake *ironic smile*

Yes, Sir, I might appear that I wanted a shelter, and indeed, I did. I thank u now for having given such a shelter when I could not go anywhere else ( u did, thanks a lot). U are such a good fellow, and I never doubted that even for a second. U have saved my exam, and u have done tremendous help for me, which I appreciate from the bottom of my heart.

Indeed, I told u to regard me as nothing but a dream. That was when I tried to show u that we couldn’t be together (guess it wasn’t that effective, was it?). Somehow I thought that u would be okay (oh, how fool I am), because in my view, u are complete, because u are strong (are u not?), because u are whole, and I admired u for that, I’m sorry. I released your hand because I knew at the time being that I was expected more than I thought I could give, and if I couldn’t give u what u want, what was the point of my existence?

Tired of trying to be perfect and comply with everybody’s hope. What is it for? To get their attention, or even just to prove that you’re still pretty? To posses a guy and made him as your posse? You always could to do so. You have everyman’s like, and ought to confess, I’m the one. I’m whom you caused a mistake upon, and be blamed for everything has done.

Sir, u are either someone who really understands me or one who has completely misunderstood me. What is it for? To get their attention? No, In fact I wish to distract their attention so they wont ask me for more. I’m desperate to tell u this, because I think for u it is stupid. So be it. To prove that I am still pretty? (lol) In part, yes. It was to prove that I was still attractive, not pretty, because I know I am not. Yes, didn’t I tell u this ego when I plead my apology to u? U might have not noticed that. Sir, I confess this not because I want to be like this, or justify this, but because I think that there is nothing that I can do. I have no confidence, Sir, please don’t confuse that with a way of life, or something that I want.

To posses a guy and made him as your posse? No, it’s never it.

One thing that u must underline, Sir, I don’t blame u, never did, never will. I don’t blame u for thinking me as a jerk, or anything. Be it.

U think u are the victim, Sir, yes u might be. I have done u wrong, I am guilty, be it my fault, I’m sorry, tell me what u want it to be and if I can, I will comply. Be it, Sir.

Are you awake? Or you just confuse to determine which reality is? Disorganized mind? Or guilty feeling because uncompleted expectations? You are not perfect. You’re just a girl who likes eating popcorn while watching a movie, just ordinary girl, one of billion girls, you still you. Want to be different? What for? To be noticed? Just to be noticed? As what? The beautiful one?

I am now awake, Sir, but yes, u are right that maybe I cant determine what reality is. I am angry sometimes, don’t know why I am J

Of course I am not perfect, though I really want to be so. I really wish I were a superman (wonder woman?), Sir, how pathetic, isn’t it? J

I don’t like popcorns, Sir, they are always stuck in my teeth.

Want to be different? Hm, yes, maybe, maybe not, there is always wisdom in being an ordinary girl. As the beautiful one? (lol), Sir, please don’t make fun on me, nor mock me, cause I don’t enjoy it very much, as the beautiful one? Sir, if u are not beautiful, u have to find another way.

You may claim you’d suffered the most in this world. Oh yes you may. You may enjoy your grief and announce that you’ll be okay. It’s just something that has been experienced again and again and you’ve got used with it. Loneliness, emptiness, sadness, was still preserved within.

I don’t claim so, Sir, because I know I don’t have all the hurts in the world. I enjoy my grief because I believe it is the safer way, Sir, do u think it is stupid? Then what should I do, tell me who should I be? Tell me the way u want me to be, if that should make u happy.

Sir, u are right again, they are still preserved within.

You still you, and yesterday still yesterday. You could say there’s a joy within your sorrow, but neither everyone nor me. Hard to find somebody who had same attitude like you had. Love to be hurt. And I think you’ve found him. No matter how hard you try to cover it, and convince everyone to believe in. Remember, second chance is not always given to us. What will be tomorrow is affected by what you’ve done today.

I am still me, yes are u? Yesterday is a history, but history is always for someone and some purposes. Facts don’t speak for themselves, they have to be interpreted, and I hope it can be useful for your future, a lesson not to get involved with such a distracted girl, and for me, not to play fire and cause someone hurt, as I did to u. I am sorry, Sir. I am sorry that I hurt u.

Yes, I might have found a friend whom I can affect, until today, who made me feel unexpected. Yes, I have found him, and yes, he may leave me, he may stay, he may die. Days are like that (sigh). Be it.

You like to be hurt, don’t you? If you don’t, so do I. Please, make me the last… the last victim of yours.

Sir, u are the victim? Yeah, right. I will save other victims-to-be to compensate my mistake to u…..(I don’t want to argue u in this section, cause I don’t think it will do any good for us)

Destiny, you blamed on the destiny which wasn’t happening like your hope. You were thrown into this earth, like everybody else. You, me, and them, haven’t got any choice. We were thrown away. But you still got choices, how to peace with realities.

Yes, u are right Sir, make peace with realities. Btw, destiny is like that. U cant trust it.

Epilogue:

Sir, please accept my apology, I did hurt u, and u may punish me. What for? Well, to restore your dignity at least. But I want to defend myself for only one thing, that for a moment, I really hoped I was available for u. sorry if u think it’s bullshit, but I didn’t lie whenever I said I admired u. Now we will have to forget each other. Sorry that I might have used u (u may think that way). I do like u, Sir, as a friend, as a tutor, as someone who had saved me, as someone who was really nice. It’s not bullshit, Sir, but if u think it is, be it…I have gone tired of trying to defend myself, have gone tired to play ‘who should be hurt, who should be blamed’ game. I am sorry for causing your heart a burden. Let the time heal u, Sir, or us, if u ever noticed that u are not the only one who gets hurt.

Sir, u do really want me to answer, or only want to let me know your sorrow? I have acknowledged your sorrow, Sir. But u are too great to be pitied.